Alright guys, listen up. I don’t normally give sex advice, but this is huge. This one little tip makes the difference between sex that’s just meh, and fantastic wake-up-the-neighbours sex.
By now you’ve probably heard all the talk about consent, and how you should talk about things before sex. Sure, that’s the best way to avoid having a talk with the police. But is that what you want? No. You want much more than that. I’m here to tell you that what you think you know about verbal consent is off the mark. If you have to stop and ask verbally if your partner wants to have sex, you’re doing it wrong.
Why? Because if they aren’t ripping your clothes off, then you’re doing it wrong. Your partner should want you so much that they’ll stop at nothing to get you. You know what happens when two people want nothing in the world more than each other? Fucking. Amazing. Sex.
Yes, consent is important. You must have consent. I’m not saying that consent isn’t important, I’m saying that active consent is way better and way more explicit than just the word “yes” uttered once. If your partner is jumping on you and taking off your pants, you can be pretty sure that you have their consent!
It’s kinda like playing one-on-one basketball. If the person you’re playing with isn’t really into it – you know, just walking after the ball, not really trying all that hard – it isn’t nearly that much fun is it? Sure, you’ll score, but you’re basically playing with yourself aren’t you? You probably wouldn’t even play with someone who wasn’t interested, why bother? On the other hand, if you’re playing with someone who’s really into and about your skill level, then it’s a great game and it’s so much fun!
Sure, some people show that desire in different ways, and verbal cues are hugely important. If they say stop you need to stop. But if you’re having sex and you want it way more than they do, or if they’re on the fence on whether they want it or not, that still ain’t right.
So what do you do if you’re in the mood and they aren’t? While I can’t answer every situation, here are a few ideas. First: slow down. If they’re open to physical intimacy but not enthusiastic yet, chances are you’re going to fast. Some people need to warm up for a while before being in the mood and find the pressure for “sex now” a turn off.
If that doesn’t work, try backing off. Have you ever had someone constantly bugging you for something? You pretty quickly stop wanting to do whatever it is they’re bugging you about, right? Well, you could be causing that. Leave some space, and let them come to you. Trust me, when they do… fireworks, man, fireworks.
Finally, if nothing else works then you need to seriously consider what’s going on with your relationship. Seriously, why would you want to have sex with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with you? You’ve probably heard someone say “sex is like pizza, even when it’s bad it’s still good.” I call bullshit. Bad sex is bad, unsatisfying, and it’s bad for your relationship too.
Life is too short to settle for sex that’s just ok. Don’t just settle for consent, hold out for enthusiasm and have the sex of your life!
Want to know more?
- On the Critical Hotness of Enthusiastic Consent (check out the cartoon if the text is too much)
- The Standard of Enthusiastic Consent
- Yes Means Yes – Consent
Photo Copyright 2011 Paul Cox Photography, used under Creative Commons by-nc-nd 2.0 license
The text above is public domain. I hearby waive all rights to the above text including copyright and all moral rights. Please feel free to share, post, reblog, distribute, and modify it any way without linking or attribution. If the text is modified, please do not attribute me to it.